Turning the scarlet letter into a career: my experience as a sex writer
The phrase scarlet letter traditionally symbolizes shame and social stigma, especially related to women’s sexuality. For one sex writer, this symbol took on a new meaning, transforming from a mark of disgrace into the foundation of a career exploring sexuality openly and without shame.
Early challenges and public reaction
In 2008, at age 24 and working for the online magazine Salon in San Francisco, the writer published a viral personal essay titled “In Defense of Casual Sex.” The essay was a response to books warning young women that casual sex would ruin their chances for love and marriage. The writer challenged this notion, arguing that young women were embracing feminist ideals by rejecting shame and claiming equality in sexual freedom.
The essay sparked a harsh backlash online, with trolls sending insults such as “tramp” and “cum dumpster.” Instead of hiding from these attacks, the writer printed the cruelest comments and taped them to the refrigerator, greeting them with a smirk each morning. This act symbolized a refusal to be shamed and a reclaiming of the narrative around female sexuality.
Family dynamics and generational parallels
The writer’s mother initially appeared uncomfortable with her daughter’s taboo profession. A notable moment occurred during a reading at Good Vibrations, a sex-positive adult toy store near the family home. While the writer’s father and family friends smiled supportively, her mother struggled visibly with anxiety, coughing and avoiding eye contact during the reading.
Afterward, the mother revealed her own difficult past: as a teenager in the 1960s Midwest, she had become pregnant out of wedlock. Her father sent her to a home for unwed mothers, where she was hidden away until she gave birth and placed the baby for adoption. This experience left her marked by shame and trauma, including a subsequent stay in a mental institution.
The writer recognized a profound connection between her mother’s past and her own career. While her mother had been punished and silenced for her sexuality, the writer was publicly writing about sex and challenging taboos for a wide audience. She reflected on this contrast as turning the scarlet letter into a career.
Career evolution and confronting taboo
Over the years, the writer embraced her role as a sex writer, focusing on serious cultural discussions rather than superficial topics like sex toys. She reported on diverse and often taboo sexual subcultures, including a kinky “fox hunt” in the Santa Cruz mountains and a new age sexual healing session. These experiences deepened her understanding of sexuality and challenged societal judgments.
Despite her professional confidence, the writer maintained a modest personal appearance, often described as “good-girl respectable,” and sometimes felt the need to downplay her work in social settings. Her mother’s support remained steady, even as she expressed worry for her daughter’s well-being.
Following her mother’s diagnosis with terminal lung cancer, the writer intensified her reporting, including coverage of BDSM-themed porn shoots that explored eroticized shame. She publicly declared her aim to be “shameless,” embracing the complexities of sexuality without apology.
Personal milestones and ongoing reflection
The writer’s engagement and marriage to a feminist-minded partner further highlighted societal tensions around female sexuality. A misogynistic blogger accused her of “winning the mating game” by embracing “absolute sluttery” before settling down, illustrating persistent cultural double standards.
Years later, while writing her memoir during maternity leave, the writer revisited her mother’s story and the legacy of shame attached to unwed motherhood. She explored the history of maternity homes that sought to control women’s sexuality and enforce social norms, recognizing the systemic nature of the stigma her mother endured.
A DNA test led to a reunion with her half-sister, the daughter her mother had placed for adoption decades earlier. This connection deepened her understanding of family history and the lasting impact of the scarlet letter.
Reclaiming the scarlet letter
The writer reflected on how her career was shaped by her mother’s experience with shame and secrecy. She realized that she had not just chosen a profession but had been drawn to confront and transform the scarlet letter’s meaning. By writing openly about sex and challenging taboos, she turned a symbol of punishment into one of empowerment and dialogue.
This journey illustrates the evolving cultural conversation about female sexuality, shame, and liberation across generations.