In 2023, Dr. Jennie Young, a professor of rhetoric at the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay, developed a unique approach to online dating known as the burned haystack dating method (BHDM). Frustrated with the superficial interactions and inappropriate messages she encountered on dating apps, Young sought a more effective way to find a long-term partner.
Origins of the Burned Haystack Dating Method
Dr. Young’s inspiration came from a simple question: “How do you actually find a needle in a haystack?” The answer, she discovered, was to burn it down. This metaphorical approach led her to create a set of guidelines aimed at helping individuals, particularly women and non-binary people, navigate the complexities of online dating more effectively.
The BHDM is structured around two main components:
- The 10 “rules of engagement”: These guidelines encourage users to limit their time on dating apps, avoid prolonged messaging (referred to as becoming “pen pals”), and block users who do not seem like a good match. This practice is known as “block to burn” (B2B).
- The 33 red flag rhetorical patterns: This list identifies specific language cues that indicate a potential match may not share the same dating goals. For example, a message that combines an inappropriate sexual advance with an apology can signal manipulative behavior.
Young’s method aims to help users identify suitable partners while avoiding those who are rude, inappropriate, or simply looking for casual encounters. She emphasizes that the BHDM is not designed for those seeking short-term relationships, stating, “It’s not hard to find a polyamorous guy on Tinder to have a one-night stand.”
Community and Impact
After implementing her method, Dr. Young started a private Facebook group to share experiences and insights. The group has since grown to over 260,000 members, providing a supportive community for women and non-binary individuals navigating modern dating.
Many members report positive changes in their dating lives after adopting the BHDM. For instance, Elisa Sparkman, 41, noted that after discovering the method, she went on fewer dates but found them to be of higher quality, leading to more meaningful connections. Similarly, Carrie Juhasz, 44, expressed appreciation for the community aspect of the group, highlighting its role in helping individuals learn to navigate dating after significant life changes.
Criticism and Controversy
Despite its popularity, the BHDM has faced criticism. Some argue that the method encourages harsh judgment of men and their profiles. A Reddit post questioning whether the method is “getting out of hand” pointed out that everyone is human and makes mistakes. Critics express concern that the method may lead to disqualifying good matches based on rigid criteria.
Dr. Young acknowledges these concerns but argues that the risk of overlooking potential partners is less significant than the danger of remaining in unhealthy relationships. She asserts that accommodating harmful behavior can perpetuate negative dating dynamics, stating, “This is going to sound hyperbolic, but that argument is the foundation of rape culture.”
Young emphasizes the importance of being intentional in dating, suggesting that users focus on a smaller, more compatible pool of potential partners rather than engaging with a larger number of individuals who may not align with their goals.
Broader Context of Online Dating
Dating app fatigue is a common issue, with many users seeking guidance on how to navigate the often overwhelming landscape of online dating. Bela Gandhi, a dating coach, notes that while dating can be viewed as a numbers game, it is crucial for individuals to reflect on their own dating patterns before narrowing down their matches.
Young also highlights the unique challenges posed by dating apps, which can encourage behaviors that differ from real-life interactions. She notes that conversations on these platforms often involve various forms of aggression, making it essential for users to approach dating with self-compassion and understanding.
As the BHDM continues to gain traction, it serves as a reminder of the evolving nature of dating in the digital age and the need for effective strategies to foster meaningful connections.